I lay there trying to rationalize why I know I’ll find what I’m missing in my life. But I know the truth. I won’t. I’m not meant to. I will die the same way I lived my life alone. Yes, there were people around but I was forever alone.
My father died when I was two and my mother left me. My Grandmother took me in to replace the one son she lost. Only to find out that I will never be at the caliber of what she lost. I will forever be the reminder of the mistake he made early in his life.
My uncles and aunts seemed so far away from me to get closed to even though they
we’re right in front of me. The one that was there seemed like she had to labor just to deal with me. I am a burden. I am alone.
My sisters never were raised with me. So I grew up alone, with the occasional visits from some cousins. But overall alone. I stayed in my room with my tv. That is where I learned how to interact with people, that and church. Church gave me a core set of values even if they seemed impossible to achieve at times.
You can say the contradictions we’re strong with this one. I would hear of heaven and hell, then watch Porkys and Animal House at night. In a neighborhood that was not made for you to succeed. I hated my life.
I was too white and nerdy for all the street-tuffs. I was alone. I couldn’t dress right. I couldn’t talk right. I didn’t do the right things needed. I was alone. Why should I even bother? So I didn’t. I was not going to be accepted so be it.
I pushed away everyone. I knew in my heart this is what was going to happen anyway, so I might as well embrace it. There was no one to tell me otherwise. At least no one I would listen to that is. I was alone. By my own hand this time.
Being alone makes you think you want what you don’t have. You outright crave it. I have learned this. You want to be wanted. You need to be seen. You look for anyone to love you. When they don’t you mentally destroy yourself because you can’t handle that fact.
You will chase idealistic visions of what you think things are supposed to be. You will never be wrong because the voices are always right. What? Voices? Oh yeah, I realized that I was hearing voices from the very beginning.
It has been suggested that a person who hears voices and answers them is mad. I say the people who can’t hear the voices are simply upset because they had been left out of the conversation. What a bunch of immature children.
I found myself constantly chasing women that would not give me a second look on the surface. Then I would beat myself up when they would blow me off. If I hooked up with a woman that was not faithful or was too wild to be tamed I would turn a blind eye. They would use me for what they needed, then they would blow me off. I knew I could change them I just needed to work harder at it. I never did. So again I was alone.
The funny part is the women I did find me attractive oh, for the most part, I wanted nothing to do with. I would justify in my head there looks weren’t up to par. Or their personalities were too incompatible with my own. I would look for any reasons to allow it to end badly. Again, I would be alone.