Dear God Why can I feel all it?
The next day she would act like everything was OK. I said “No! You tricked me into fucking you!” She laughed “yeah I tricked you. You’re telling me that you didn’t want to fuck me?” This was a trap. I did want to fuck her at the same time I didn’t want to because of how she had been for months. Not to forget I felt like she was sleeping with her co-worker. My head was spinning.
What do I do? I wasn’t going to leave my son because I had a hunch that wife had cheated on me with her co-worker. Again in the back of my mind, I felt like I should give her leeway because of what I did, even if it was a by-product of PTSD.
A week after that she would tell me that she was pregnant. I flipped out. How??? We hadn’t slept together in months?! Wait the night with the wine? No, it was crazy. For us to have any more children. How could this be? She was puzzled. “Aren’t you happy?” “You wanted two kids.” You see at this time My Son was eight years old. I had made a comment that would like to have two kids a year or so apart. My Wife then told me that she was never going to have children again. In fact, she was birth control. She would tell me that she ran out and didn’t get a refill, for whatever reason.
NO NO NO!!!!
Then the worse idea came to me. IS IT MINE. She was offended right away. Of course what kind of question is that? I said, “I think a logical one considering everything.” She said, “No it’s yours.” The next couple of months would be very interesting. Because of all of this. I didn’t know what to believe.
I went to the doctor appointments. I want through motions. Don’t ask me why. I wouldn’t be able to give you, a solid answer. I can go with the traditional trying to be a good guy. Hell, I could say that I just wanted to be a good father. Truth be told eight years before this happened I wanted another kid. But things have changed so much. We have changed so much. We weren’t the same people anymore. In fact, I had lingering suspicions about the paternity of the child. Is this what I deserved for what I did? Was this to be my atonement?
why are we doing this again?
Wouldn’t it just be Karma for it not to be mine? Like some great punishment from a higher power because of impure thoughts or heinous things that have come out of my mouth in anger. Yes, that would be the cosmic joke on me. I was ready to take it either way.
This part is good!
She had to get a blood test done with all the other tests. Then the unforeseen happened. She came back positive for an STD. When she told me, she almost did it as casually as you would, asking someone to pass the popcorn. Then she had the gall to ask me if I had been cheating on her. In shock, I didn’t know how to answer that. Not because of the fact that I had not been cheating on her, for the fact that I had to go get tested myself. My good other, half never found me worthy enough to be on her insurance. So I found myself at a free clinic.
It smells of urine and feces. But what stink worse than that was the amount of Shame and regret that was in the air. Doctor’s office for lost souls, transients, prostitutes and their clients. This is where had to be, to be tested. After blood was drawn and a couple of tests were done. I found myself being told I had the same STD as my beloved wife.
The doctor would chase the news with questions. Who am I sleeping with? I would reply to my wife. The doctor then would ask me, how long has your wife been cheating on you?
There it is.
I do believe that is the moment I threw up in my mouth at the thought. I said I don’t know. But I was going to find out. I sat there numb while he gave directions on medication I would have to take. What was I going to do now? My son. The baby. This Bitch. What was I going to do now?